How to Create Flourishing Friendships in Midlife
Did you know that loneliness can be just as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day? Or, that social connections matter more than our diet on our longevity?
We are social creatures. Friends are central to our well-being and sense of identity.
Yet, 40% of American Adults report feeling lonely. The Covid shutdowns and restrictions did not help. My friendships suffered during this time too. But, I’m making up for lost time because I know how much my friends enrich my life and I also know that it is definitely harder to make friends as an adult.
There are two main reasons for this:
Fear - As we age, the fear of being judged or rejected grows so we don’t put ourselves out there. We assume that others don’t like us and we wait for others to initiate something. I remember meeting my first best friend when I was 5 years old. As I was riding my bike past her house, she stopped me and asked if I wanted to play. Of course, I said yes!!! Her name was Alana and we became inseparable for the next five years until she moved away. It’s funny how kids make friends so easily. They just ask and sometimes they just start playing together even without the ask. There is no fear of being rejected.
Time - With jobs, kids, and a collection of other responsibilities, we have less time available for making friends. When we were younger, shared experiences are built into our lives so friendships grow more organically. According to University of Maryland psychologist and friendship expert, Marisa Franco. She said that the two ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends organically, are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability. As we become adults, we have less and less environments where those are at play.
I can see how this is true in my life. The friendships that have taken root for me, as an adult, have happened in a yoga studio or on a tennis court. Conversations happened organically and was vulnerable as we were learning something new and stretched our comfort zone. Over time, invitations were extended outside of yoga and tennis and with each shared experience friendships blossomed.
Making new friends and strengthening old friendships later in life may be a bit harder but it’s more than possible. All it takes is a little planning and courage.
So, the key takeaways are:
Get Involved
Take a class or join a group on something that you are interested in. A garden club, book club, cooking class. You can always join me for yoga or tennis.
Initiate
Feel the fear and extend invitations. If you meet someone that resonates with you, tell them! Something like, “I enjoyed meeting you and I would like to stay connected”. The worst that could happen is they say no. Initiating also goes for existing friendships. Schedule walks, make plans, send a fun text.
I feel so blessed with my group of friends.
Some are more casual friends that I love to spend time and continue to learn about.
Some have grown into deep friendships that I consider my “go-to girls” in good and bad times.
Some are friends that I don’t connect with as often due to various circumstances but we can pick up where we left off.
All of my friends are smart, funny, and way more interesting than myself. But, none of my friends are by accident. I have been intentional about cultivating and investing time and energy into building connections with them and my life is way more better for it.
Speaking of getting involved and meeting other amazing women, we have 5 spots left for my next Fun and Flourish Meet-Up this Sunday, Sept 18th. This is a perfect event to create some social connections. Think “girl gathering + growth + afternoon cocktail party.” Come and make some friends. Details and registration can be found here:
