Nothing Changed But My Mind

I remember it so clearly. It was a Sunday afternoon and I was telling my husband, Jason, how everything was going so well in my world.

I felt strong in my body, I had clarity around my purpose, my kids were thriving in their respective worlds, my husband and I were in alignment, I had great friends and had lots of fun things on my calendar.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. 

Feeling grateful is not a stretch for me, I wake up and go to sleep counting all my blessings every single day. All the way down to the threads that make up my sheets that keep me so comfortable as I sleep. But, this was different.  This felt like next level peace. 

Fast forward to the very next day and it was a totally different story. 

I was crabby, had low energy, and wasn’t particularly motivated.

The funny thing is that nothing of significance had changed in my world since Sunday. Every single thing was still the same as it was on Sunday. My body was good. My work was good. My kids were good. My friends were good, my marriage was good.

Yet, I wasn’t good and I definitely didn’t feel like I did just the day before.

After some journaling, I realized that the only thing that changed was my thinking about my world.

On Sunday, I was focused on all the things that were right.

On Monday, I was focused on all the things that were wrong.  

For example, on Sunday, I was super happy and proud that my daughter is growing into an independent , responsible young woman with lots of friends and activities. She is doing exactly what a healthy 15-year old should be doing. I was also thinking about how grateful I am to have the flexibility to support her. Not to mention that having the time in the car with her, taking her to and from, has given us the opportunity to have some meaningful conversations. I remind myself often that my days with her are numbered.  But, on Monday, I was focused on how my days are broken up by driving her all around to all the things and how I can’t get any of my work done.  

Both “stories” were true. But I, clearly, felt better and had more energy when I was focusing on the upside of how engaged she is in her life and how lucky I am to have the flexibility that I have.

That is just one example. I can give you examples for every area of my life where everything seemed super good on Sunday and not so good on Tuesday. A case could be made either way. It comes down to what do I want to focus on. 

I know how powerful our thoughts are in creating our experience. I have studied this for years. Yet, I can fall into a negative spin cycle as fast as the next person.

It happens to all of us. Human brains have a negativity bias. We are always on the lookout for what is wrong and not working. Thousands of years ago, this way of thinking kept our ancestors safe from predators and environmental threats. But it is no longer necessary for our survival.

Being aware of our brain’s negative default is good to know.

But what is even better to know is how to shift out of this negative default.

It’s, actually, very simple.

Take a look at your thoughts.

If you are thinking crappy thoughts, then you are going to be in a crappy mood, and you are going to take crappy action, and produce crappy results.

The best way to uncover this negative spin-cycle of thoughts is to write them out. Get them out in the light of day.

From that vantage point, you have some separation and more perspective.    

Once you have gotten them all out. Take a look at them and ask yourself three questions:

Q1: Is this thought useful?

Even if a thought is true, it may not be useful. We forget that we get to think anything we want. There is so much power in knowing that you can direct your focus.

Q2: What else is true about this particular situation?

Like the situation with my daughter all if was true. Driving her to all of her stuff, breaks up my day and leaves me unable to get done what I want to. But it is also true that I am honored to support her and have time with her.

Q3: Is this thought true?

I had a few sneaky thoughts about the impact that all the driving had on my life. I had thoughts like, “I can’t get any traction in my business”, “I’m wasting a lot of time in the car.” Both of which are not true.           

Asking just one of these questions will shift the narrative in your brain and move the needle on your mood.

Try it and see how revealing and working on your thoughts might work for you.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that every day should be rainbows and lollipops. We are having a human experience and some days will be bad days. But if you are going to have a bad day, make sure it something worth feeling bad about.

If you are interested in learning more about how to witness and process your thoughts so you can bring more joy and less frustration into your life, join me on Sept 18th for a Fun and Flourishing After 50 Meet-Up where I will teach you a simple and practical self-coaching process that can help you flourish in all areas of your life. We will also be guided by a professional floral designer in making our own arrangement and enjoy an afternoon cocktail party with some other amazing women.

You can learn more and register here.

Space is limited and there is an early bird discount so reserve your spot today.

I hope you join me.